Love is such a big four letter word.
No one can point to a single material object in the world and say 'That is love'. Yet we can feel it everywhere. People try to capture it, possess it, buy it, hold it, yet no one can say 'this is love' and exclude everything else. We search for it, feel lost without it and Love does make the world go round.
I learned a lesson that BLEW MY MIND, changed my life and helped me see the forest from the trees.
I learned that
'LOVE IS NOT A FEELING'
(wait..there is a second part)
I was always drawn to the feeling of love. I loved being in love. I wanted that feeling again and again. If I met a guy and felt my heart open towards him, had great sex, great times or whatever the reason, I mistook the feeling I had for.. love.
Time and time again I would find myself in relationships that I wanted to last forever, in the hope that the guy would reciprocate the feeling I had. If I felt it it had to be real, right? If I felt such love he must feel the same way too, right? How could he not feel the way I do?
Yet time and time again I would find myself crying my eyes out on my sofa for days, binge watching Netflix or replaying The Notebook and eating a tub of ice cream like a sad princess who had lost her prince. I was totally crushed thinking I had once again fallen in love with the wrong guy who didn't love me in the same way I loved him. I tried so hard to make him love me. All my good hearted dreams were smashed.
Like me in the past, so many of my women clients continually stay in bad relationships in the hope the guy will turn around, stop being an ass and love her the way that she does (which makes me understand that us women are in fact fatal optimists). Hooked by that love feeling they compromise their time and lives hoping that Prince Charming (not Sleeping Beauty in this case) will wake up and see the light.
So if LOVE IS NOT A FEELING, what is it? Here comes the second part:
'LOVE IS ACTION'
Yes, LOVE IS ACTION and may I add that in relationships, it's a TWO WAY STREET.
Let's start with ourselves.
Is it a loving action toward yourself to stay in a relationship where your partner puts in minimal effort while you feel you would do anything (and do everything) for the relationship?
In the search for reciprocal love, many women find themselves auditioning for the position of being a long term partner or wife. They go above and beyond to prove their worth. This can come down to for example, making excellent dinners for their partner, dressing up and looking sexy, cleaning their house, attending to their every need, looking after the kids they had from a former relationship, becoming friends with the potential mother in-law.. the list can go on ad infinitum.
Is this love in action? Yes it can be, but do you understand your motivations for the relationship? Love has nothing to prove. You are complete. You are enough. If you find yourself TRYING to win the guy over, perhaps the action here is to STOP TRYING.
Love in action is being present and radically honest with yourself.
Now to the relationship.
If you are feeling like this is a one way street and your partner makes zero effort, it is time to rethink your relationship. If love is action and you feel like you are doing all you can while him nothing, this might not be the ideal relationship for you, sorry. That's tough to swallow when you are addicted to the love feeling but as the saying goes 'actions speak louder than words'. It's too easy to say 'I love you'. If actions don't match up to words, it's time to take a reality check. There is nothing more freeing than looking reality in the face, even if it hurts. If you feel like you have to try to win his love, you haven't won it and most probably won't.
A healthy relationship is two people who mutually understand one another and take willing action to prioritize the relationship.
If a partner is going above and beyond to make you smile, he/she is a keeper.
Love with a partner shouldn't make you feel let down or lower your self worth.
The minute that you stand up for your self worth is when you will attract your match. Sometimes It can take time but it's better than staying in a relationship that sucks your creative and loving power from you.
This is love in action starting with you.
Choose to love yourself first so that one day you can love another who loves you just as much.
"Today I choose a partner who shows up in a relationship as I show up for myself. I know myself and my worth."
LOVE IS NOT A FEELING. LOVE IS ACTION.